You start to feed the nasogastric tube down the left nostril. Suddenly you are pushed aside and the tube whipped out of your hands.

'What are you doing - have you gone completely mad?' screams Julian hysterically.

You have to think about this for a moment, and you're not really sure, but say 'No' confidently anyway.

Dr. Smug B'Stard, who you wouldn't let near your dog, never mind a patient, pokes his head through the door. 'Need me to take over here Julian?' he says, pointedly ignoring you.

'Oh Dr. B'Stard', sighs Julian, 'You've no idea where he was going to stick this tube!'